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geschrieben am: 16.02.2002 um 09:09 Uhr
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| *ggg* cremchen ich denke schon ... *nickts |
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geschrieben am: 16.02.2002 um 09:10 Uhr
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> > >The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped
> > >giving milk. The people did some research and found
> > >they could buy a cow up in Lafayette, Indiana, for
> > >$200.00.
> > >
> > >They bought the cow from Indiana and the cow was
> > >wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time,
> > >and the people were pleased and very happy. They
> > >decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
> > >produce more cows like it. They would never have to
> > >worry about their milk supply again.
> > >
> > >They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with
> > >their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came
> > >close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
> > >what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
> > >from the bull and he could not succeed in his
> > >quest. The people were very upset and decided to
> > >ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told
> > >the Vet what was happening.
> > >"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves
> > >away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
> > >forward. When he approaches her from the front, she
> > >backs off. An approach from the side and she walks
> > >away to the other side."
> > >
> > >The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
> > >"Did you buy this cow in Indiana?"
> > >
> > >The people were dumbfounded, since they had never
> > >mentioned where they bought the cow.
> > >
> > >"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did
> > >you know we got the cow in Indiana?"
> > >
> > >The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
> > >"My wife is from Indiana. |
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geschrieben am: 16.02.2002 um 12:08 Uhr
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(sich erst mal die von feeling verstrubbelten haare kämmt,
äh fee, vieleicht ... gg)
A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
A deathly silence transcends the bar.
In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
(und jetzt mal fies zur feeling grinst ... ich bin nur dkl.blond ;-) )
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geschrieben am: 16.02.2002 um 12:17 Uhr
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A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes. She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?" He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131." The farmer said, "That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep." The blonde went and got her sheep. Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes." "Blonde. Now give me back my dog.".
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geschrieben am: 16.02.2002 um 14:01 Uhr
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boahhhhhh ... *schallend lacht ... na warte brüderchen *ggg*
A beautiful, blonde, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took
one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so,
he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're
checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is
right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
he asked. "Yes," the woman said, you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse
with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said.
"You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Geändert am 16.02.2002 um 14:04 Uhr von Feeling |
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 09:05 Uhr
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(looooooooooooool feeling ....)
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 09:09 Uhr
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PIZZA für Blonde ?
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 09:15 Uhr
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari. |
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 13:29 Uhr
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*ggg* ... und wie ist der hier?
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to
his
> > devoted wife.
> >
> > She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew
> > very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad into he
> > newspaper for ranch hands.
> >
> > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
> > thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided
> > to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
> > house than the drunk.
> >
> > He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day
> > and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and
the
> > ranch was doing really well.
> >
> > Then one day the woman said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
> > good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch
looks
> > great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up
> > my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
> >
> > The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The
> > woman had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and had a
> > great time, getting home about midnight.
> >
> > The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One
> > o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she
> > began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
> >
> > The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace, she called him over by
> > her. "Now I am the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell
you,
> > right?"
> >
> > Well..yes", he answered.
> >
> > Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said.
> >
> > He did as she asked.
> >
> > "Now take off my boots."
> >
> > He did.
> >
> > "Now take off my socks."
> >
> > He did.
> >
> > "Now take off my skirt."
> >
> > He did.
> >
> > "Now take off my bra."
> >
> > Again he did as she asked.
> >
> > "Now take off my panties."
> >
> > And again he did what she told him.
> >
> > Then she looked at him seriously and said:
> "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 21:16 Uhr
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| loooooooooooooooooooooooool |
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 21:21 Uhr
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und noch einen ...
> Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One
> man was from Minnesota, one from Florida and one from Texas. They got
> acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
>
> The guy from Minnesota began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain
> terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the
> first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing.
But
> on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a
> wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
>
> Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that
> from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of
the
> house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing.
> But on the third day when I came home, the whole house
> was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries".
>
> The fellow from Texas was married to an enlightened woman who had grown up
> in Texas, He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and
> said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she
would
> have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning.
> Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing.
> But by the third day, .....................
> I could see a little bit out of my left eye...............!"
>
> Moral of story: "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS....WOMEN!! |
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 21:24 Uhr
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Ei suk Ãœbersetzer:
When you are always the Gelackmeierte, when you have es to nix gebracht of a green Zweig, come to mi bei Redaktion REPORT.
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 21:45 Uhr
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lol feeling
gut das ich nicht aus texas bin .... gg |
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geschrieben am: 17.02.2002 um 23:00 Uhr
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A Frenchman is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man,
chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores
the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You French folk eat the whole bread??"
Frenchman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to
France." The American has a smirk on his face.
The Frenchman listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Frenchman: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France."
The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Frenchman: "We don't. In France, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to America."
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 07:07 Uhr
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Also,...
ich kann zwar sagen, dass die Witze ganz lustig sind ... aber ... wo bleibt das eigentliche Ziel dieses Threads? |
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 08:23 Uhr
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Braucht ein Thread ein Ziel?
Und muß das für jeden erkenntlich sein?
Jan, der viel gelacht hat |
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 09:43 Uhr
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Jump, das eigentliche ziel wurde bereits erreicht.
die liste mit englisch/deutsch wörtlich übersetzt ist bereits fertig.
ein willkommenes nebenziel, für mich ganz persönlich, sind jetzt die vielen englischwitze.
du sagtest doch selbst das die witze eigentlich ganz lustig sind ... *smile*.
ein anderer, kleiner nebeneffekt für mich ist, das mein ziemlich eingeschlafenes englisch und bestimmt auch das von vielen anderen die hier lesen, ein klein wenig aufpoliert wird.
ich hoffe, das sind genug gründe um diesen thread aufrecht zu erhalten? ... ;-)
janpeters knuddels und wieder raushupft
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 16:36 Uhr
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm
really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with
a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 16:57 Uhr
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*ggg* hab auch noch nen netten
This guy walks into a bar in LA, and two steps in, he realizes it is a gay
> bar. But what the heck, he says, I really want a drink. When the gay
> waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of you pe.nis?"
> The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a
> drink"
> The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me
> the name of you pe.nis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan "Just
> do It". That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It
> really satisfies". The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells
> him he'll give him a moment to think it over. So the customer asks the
> man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the
> name of your pe.nis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX,
> because 'It takes a lickin and keeps on tickin'!!" A little shaken, the man
> turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says,
"So
> what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and responds proudly,
> "FORD, because "Quality is Job One"!" Then he adds, " Have YOU driven a FORD
> lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he
> comes up with a name for his pe.nis. Finally, he exclaims, "The name of my
> pe.nis is SECRET!!! Now give me a beer!" The bartender starts to pour the
> customer his beer, but with a puzzled look. The waiter asks, "Why
> SECRET?"
> The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A
> WOMAN!!!!"
Geändert am 18.02.2002 um 19:51 Uhr von Feeling |
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 17:17 Uhr
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und noch einen ... weil se sooooo luschdig sind ... *ggg*
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary,
so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.
They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his
wife,"Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across to the field.
The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.
With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually,they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen."
"You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 17:24 Uhr
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning Fathers
room the other day and do you know what I found? ...A bunch of
pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room
putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them." she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh, shit."
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geschrieben am: 18.02.2002 um 20:37 Uhr
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*ggg* .. hab grad noch einen gefunden:
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as
well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." |
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geschrieben am: 19.02.2002 um 09:41 Uhr
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*schmunzelts*
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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geschrieben am: 19.02.2002 um 09:54 Uhr
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*öhhmmm*
There's this guy, Jack, who has a girlfriend, Wendy, who he loves a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his pe.nis.
When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy".
When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon!
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself! He orders a drink from the guy at that bar who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his pe.nis! Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence, your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name tattooed on your private too!!!"
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing!
Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No man. Mine says,
"Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day". |
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geschrieben am: 19.02.2002 um 09:59 Uhr
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Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we com in?" "No no" said St. Peter "It's not that simple. These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven." "O.K." said the nuns, "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven."
So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" The first nun said, "That's an easy one. Adam." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in.
St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun said, "That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer.
St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" The third nun says "That's a hard one . . ." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. |
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