Auf den Beitrag: (ID: 6267) sind "260" Antworten eingegangen (Gelesen: 27232 Mal).
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geschrieben am: 20.02.2002    um 12:14 Uhr   
oh doc, schäm dich gg


mal nach längerer abstinenz (mein abt zürnte ob meiner witze), hab ich auf meinen gebetsreisen durchs i-net folgendes gefunden

Two men and a blonde are due to be executed!! They are to be put in the electric chair!! They are told that if when the switch is pushed, nothing happens, they are free!!
The first man comes in, is strapped to the chair and asked if he has any last words!! He says "Tell my wife and children that i love them"!! The switch is pushed and nothing happens, so he walks free!!
The second man comes in!! Is strapped to the chair and asked about last words!! He says "tell my wife and kids that i love them"!! The swich is pushed and nothing happens so he too walks free!!
The blonde comes in and is strapped to the chair!! She is asked about her last words and says "Yeah, you forgot to plug it in!!"


One night a torrential storm hits South Carolina!! Next morning all the houses are under six foot of water!!
Mrs Brown and Mrs Smith are on the roof chatting when Mrs Brown notices a lonely baseball cap floating on the water!!
As she watches it, she notices that it moves to the house and then back out towards the front of the yard!!
She stares at this cap for ages before turning to Mrs Smith and questioning her!! "Mrs Smith, do you see that lone baseball cap floating to and from the house??"
Mrs Smith looks at her and says "Yes thats my husband, i told him that he was going to mow the lawn today come hell or high water!!!"


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive BLONDE female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which the BLONDE replied,"There certainly is! "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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geschrieben am: 20.02.2002    um 12:56 Uhr   
200
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geschrieben am: 21.02.2002    um 16:04 Uhr   
Hallo Feeling!!!
Ich bin jetzt zwar schon viel zu spät, aber diese hier habe ich erst letztens noch entdeckt:
> > > > > Pig-Strong - Saustark
> > >
> > > > > Poor Tits - Armbrust
> > >
> > > > > So A Piggery - So Eine Sauerei
> > >
> > > > > Stinking-Home - Pforzheim
> > >
> > > > > As You Me So I You - Wie Du Mir So Ich Dir
> > >
> > > > > Blackwood Cherrycake - Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte
> > >
> > > > > Down-Beat - Niederschlag
> > >
> > > > > Everything For The Cat - Alles Fur Die Katz
> > >
> > > > > Far-Looking-Tower - Fern-Seh-Turm
> > >
> > > > > Give Not So On - Gib Nicht So An
> > >
> > > > > Give Someone A Running-Passport - Jemandem Den Laufpass Geben
> > >
> > > > > Heavy On Wire - Schwer Auf Draht
> > >
> > > > > Hold The Air On - Halt Die Luft An!
> > >
> > > > > I Believe Me Kicks A Horse - Ich Glaub Mich Tritt Ein
> > >
> > > > >Pferd
> > >
> > > > > I Break Together - Ich Brech Zusammen
> > >
> > > > > I Only Understand Railroad Station - Ich Versteh Nur
> > >
> > > > >Bahnhof
> > >
> > > > > It Knocks Me Out The Socks - Es Haut Mich Aus Den Socken
> > >
> > > > > Me Falls A Stone From Heart - Mir Fallt Ein Stein Vom
> > >
> > > > >Herzen
> > >
> > > > > Me Goes A Light Open - Mir Geht Ein Licht Auf
> > >
> > > > > Me Smells - Mir Stinkts
> > >
> > > > > Now Is The Oven Out - Nun Ist Der Ofen Aus
> > >
> > > > > Nothing For Ungood - Nichts Fur Ungut
> > >
> > > > > The Better-Knower - Der Besserwisser
> > >
> > > > > The Chicken-Eye - Das Huhnerauge
> > >
> > > > > The Closedholder - Der Zuhälter
> > > > > The Do Not Good - Der Tunichtgut
> > > > > The Falling Umbrella Jumper - Der Fallschirmspringer
> > > > > The Flying Harbour - Der Flughafen
> > > > > The Ghost-Driver - Der Geisterfahrer
> > > > > The Newspaper-Duck - Die Zeitungsente
> > > > > The Nose-Leg-Break - Der Nasenbeinbruch
> > > > > The Page-Jump - Der Seitensprung
> > > > > The People-Car-Factory - Das Volkswagenwerk
> > > > > The Picture-Umbrella - Der Bildschirm
> > > > > The Power-Soup - Die Kraftbruhe
> > > > > The Pub-Part - Der Lokalteil
> > > > > The Sea Young Woman - Die Meerjungfrau
> > > > > The Shit-Fork - Die Mistgabel
> > > > > The Silver-Look - Der Silberblick
> > > > > To Come On The Dog - Auf Den Hund Kommen
> > > > > To Come In Devils Kitchen - In Teufels Kuche Kommen
> > > > > To Go Strange - Fremdgehen
> > > > > To Lay Someone Around - Jemanden Umlegen
> > > > > To Shine Someone Home - Jemandem Heimleuchten
> > > > > Train Birds - Zugvögel
> > > > > Undertaker - Unternehmer
> > > > > Wood-Eye Be Careful - Holzauge Sei Wachsam
> > > > > You Are Going Me On The Alarm-Clock - Du Gehst Mir Auf Den
> > > > >Wecker
> > > > > You Are Going Me On The Cookie - Du Gehst Mir Auf Den Keks
> > > > > You Can Me One Time - Du Kannst Mich Mal
> > > > > You Have A Jump In The Dish - Du Hast Nen Sprung In Der
> > > > >Schussel
> > > > > You'Re On The Woodway - Du Bist Auf Dem Holzweg
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > >Two strangers meet in London. They start a conversation but they have
> > > > >to use their dictionary quite often.
> > > > >
> > > > >A: Hello, Sir! How goes it you?
> > > > >B: Oh, thank you for the afterquestion.
> > > > >A: Are you already long here?
> > > > >B: No, first a pair days. I'm not out London.
> > > > >A: Thunderweather, that overrushes me, you see not so out.
> > > > >B: That can yes beforecome. But now what other: my hairs stood to
> > > > > mountains as I the traffic saw. So much cars gives it here.
> > > > >A: You are heavy on the woodway if you believe that in London
> > > > > horsedroveworks go.
> > > > >B: Will we now drink a beer? My throat is outdried. But look,
> > > > > there is a guesthouse, let us there man go!
> > > > >A: That is a good idea. Equal goes it loose, I will only my
> > > > > shoeband close.
> > > > >B: Here we are. Make me please the door open.
> > > > >A: But there is a beforehangingcastle, the economy is to. How sorry!
> > > > > Then I will go back to the hotel, it is already retard. On again
> > > > > see!
> > > > >B: Oh, yes, I will too go. I must become my draught to Bristol.
> > > > > Auf Wiedersehen!
> > > > >A: Nanu, sie sind Deutscher?
> > > > >B: Ja, sie auch? Das wundert mich aber. Ihr Englisch ist so
> > > > > hervorragend, dass ich es gar nicht bemerkt hatte ..

das wars,ich hoffe es war noch was neues dabei
cu
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geschrieben am: 21.02.2002    um 16:12 Uhr   
hallo anjili ;-)
boah ... du warst aber noch fleissig.
ich glaub ich hab da noch ein paar gesehen die in der liste fehlen. ich werd mal nachschauen und sie dann ergänzen.
der witz ist süss ... *lacht*
danke dir
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geschrieben am: 22.02.2002    um 09:47 Uhr   
lol anjili ...

Hello feeling again .... :-)
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geschrieben am: 22.02.2002    um 21:00 Uhr   
brüderchen mal knuddels .. sag mal wo vesteckst du dich denn die ganze zeit? :-(
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geschrieben am: 22.02.2002    um 23:18 Uhr   
(zitat)brüderchen mal knuddels .. sag mal wo vesteckst du dich denn die ganze zeit? :-((/zitat)


Ich versteck mich doch nicht ... (ups, ganz vergessen, hab noch siegfrieds tarnkappe auf gg )

feeling ebenfalls knuddelt ... bis denn mal wieder
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geschrieben am: 22.02.2002    um 23:33 Uhr   
brüderchen ... du versteckst dich nicht? ...
ja wo bist du denn dann?
mit dem fernglas suchts ... und auch nicht findet
*traurig guckts*
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geschrieben am: 22.02.2002    um 23:36 Uhr   
hhmmmmmmm ... bin aber inzwischen auch viel zu müde um noch was zu sehen ... ich verschwind mal besser ins bettchen.
müde bin ich, geh zur ruh,
decke meinen bierbauch zu.
und morgen mit dem gleichen fleisse,
gehts wieder an dieselbe sch.....
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 00:34 Uhr   
‘How do you spell „Crocodile"?’
„K-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l."
‘The dictionary spells it „C-r-o-k-o-d-i-l-e".’
‘You didn’t ask me how the dictionary spelt it.’
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 00:36 Uhr   
The Drinking Scale

0
Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1
Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2
Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3
Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4
Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of chips. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of chips one by one.
5
Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6
Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat.Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7
Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8
Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9
Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10
Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11
Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12
Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 00:39 Uhr   
noch einen, damit strubbel feeling ihr brüderchen nicht übersieht ....


A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy:
"Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher:
"This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy:
"Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog:
"Doin alright"

Rancher:
(Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy:
"Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog:
"Yep."

Cowboy:
"How's he treat you?"

Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher:
(Look of disbelief)

Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher:
"Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy:
"Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse:
"Cool."

Rancher:
(an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy:
"Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse:
"Yep."

Cowboy:
"How's he treat you?"

Horse:
"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes medown often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher:
(total look of amazement)

Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher:
(stuttering, and hardly able to talk)
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 00:47 Uhr   
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right beside him, raising it's paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. The river even stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice out of the sky said, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now, do you expect me to help you out of this predicament. Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be counted as a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice; and the light went out, the river flowed, the sound of the forest continued, and the bear lowered its paw. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed it's head, and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 21:13 Uhr   
boah ... brüderchen ... sag mal ... wann schläfst du denn?

Feeling die sich trotzdem über alle einträge freut ... auch wenn sie zu einer zeit stattfinden in welcher brüderchens eigentlich schlafen sollten, verwuschelts brüderchen *smile*
und hupft wieder raus
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geschrieben am: 23.02.2002    um 23:06 Uhr   
Verstrubbelt das feeling und stellt mal Žne Gegenfrage:

Wann schläfst Du denn ? ;-)


... aber um zu zeigen, das es auch inteligente Blondinen gibt :

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000
Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then
proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles
us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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geschrieben am: 24.02.2002    um 19:47 Uhr   
Brüderchen ... ich kringel mich immer noch vor Lachen.
Ich LIEBE Deinen Witz über diese schlaue Blondine. :-)

hab hier auch noch einen ... ist allerdings bei weitem nicht so doll. ;-)

Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the
beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of
three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, FDA, ATF, DOD, USPS,
NSA, etc

Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air
Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their
initials in large white letters across their backs?

"FATASS".
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geschrieben am: 24.02.2002    um 22:09 Uhr   


oh, the bell rings (der hund ringt)

i put her a kiss right in her face (ich drückte ihr ein kissen direkt ins gesicht*

peter, paul and mary are sitting in the kitchen (peter, paul und maria sitzen im kittchen)

peter paul and mary are planning a bankrobbery (peter paul und maria planen eine bankräuberei)

hi friends have you your guns there by (hallo geschäftsfreunde habt ihr eure pistolen dabei?)

i think me steps a horse

i believe me kisses an reindeer (oder was auch immer elch heißen mag)



*kramt mal ihre otto-englsichkenntnisse hervor*
dat juniperl
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geschrieben am: 24.02.2002    um 22:10 Uhr   
gern gesehen... äh gern geschehen
für dich doch immer :-))
Halte die Augen nach weiteren offen, damit du mal ein Buch veröffentlichen kannst.
Geändert am 24.02.2002 um 22:12 Uhr von anjili
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geschrieben am: 24.02.2002    um 22:15 Uhr   


you are me one you are me one
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geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 10:04 Uhr   
hallo feeling :-) ....

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the
man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you
died." "No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've
thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her
lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and
have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, darn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But,
wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and
he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing
I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after
that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat
back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day,
and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I
can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing,"
the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a
little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily
however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony
directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running
out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down
which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face
up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man
push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls
directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to
himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new
policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. "Mr. President
what are you doing up here?" said the angel. "OK, Picture this," says
Bill. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
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geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 10:06 Uhr   
Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we come in?"
"No no" said St. Peter "It's not that simple. These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven." "O.K." said the nuns, "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven."

So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" The first nun said, "That's an easy one. Adam." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in.

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun said, "That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer.

St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" The third nun says "That's a hard one . . ." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping.
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geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 10:09 Uhr   
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geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 10:35 Uhr   
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a blonde woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The blonde woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."


aber nur weil schwester feeling intelligente blondinen mag ...
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Nutzer: BruderDarius
Status: Profiuser
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Registriert seit: 09.02.2002
Anzahl Nachrichten: 99

geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 10:39 Uhr   
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the
driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."

The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's
the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was
having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while
the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."

The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls
up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he
gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the
tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can
you hold on a minute."

The Pope says, "sure"

The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,
"guys I just pulled over some one really important."

They ask who, "The President?."

"No more important."

"The president of another country."

"No more important."

"An ambassador."

"No even more important."

"Well who is it."

"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

so feeling, schwesterchen, ich glaubŽ das reicht erst mal wieder, verabstrubbel dich, bis bald

BruderDarius

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"Autor"  
Nutzer: Feeling
Status: Profiuser
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Registriert seit: 26.10.2001
Anzahl Nachrichten: 878

geschrieben am: 25.02.2002    um 17:31 Uhr   
*schallend lacht* ... brüderchen du bekommst einen orden für die tollen witze ... :-)

brüderchen megadolle verwuschelts und immer noch lachend verschwindet ;-)
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